dating vs courting and the christian

I’ve heard many people say that Christians shouldn’t be involved in dating but they should be courting. Now when I first heard this, I thought to myself, “Aren’t they the same thing?” What difference would it make if I said “Deanna and I are dating” vs. “Deanna and I are courting.” Before I go any further in this, let’s define dating and courting…

Dating – Any social activity performed as a pair or even a group with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of agreeing on a time and “date” when a pair can meet and engage in some social activity. A form of romantic courtship between two individuals who may or may not expect marriage

Courting – The traditional dating period before engagement and marriage. During a courtship, a couple dates to get to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement. Usually courtship is a public affair, done in public and with family approval.

Now, notice that both words use the other to define it. Does this mean that both words mean the same thing and that “courting” is just a Christian word for “dating”? Well, yes and no.

The basic meaning of both words is that you have two people that have decided that they wanted spend some time to get to know each other better. Now this is where I believe the differences are. Dating has a negative connotation because in implies “trying out” someone. Often times, if one goes into a relationship with the attitude of “I’m going to try them out” then he/she will discover some things they don’t like and decide to move on to another individual and “try the other person out”. Sometimes, an individual may decided to “try out” more than one person at the same time. Courting, on the other hand, implies getting to know a single individual with the intent of engagement and marriage, and with wise counsel.

So my question to you is that the person that you like, do you just want to hang out with them, have a good time, “try them out”, or are you seeking to eventually marry that person?

I dated a lot before I got saved, none of which I had any interest in marrying. My goal was to have a good time. But after I got saved, all of that stopped. To me, dating in that manner was a waste of time. It didn’t make sense to me to put myself and another individual through the emotional turmoil of becoming close to someone, only to throw the relationship away. I didn’t want to get involved with someone if I new it wasn’t going anywhere. So, I went to God and told him that the next person I dated would be someone that I would be interested in marrying. Before I met my wife I dated only one person, but we soon realized that we came into the relationship with different expectations and that it was best to end it.. So in an attempt to avoid this situation again, I developed a list of things that I desired in a future wife (primarily based on the Word of God and some personal desires), and I took this list to God in prayer. Between the time that I stopped dating the first young lady and when I met my wife, there were many opportunities for me to date and many young ladies that I found attractive, but none of them met the personal standard I’d set for myself. And it wasn’t until I’d come to the point of if I never got married I will be content in serving God as a single man, that I met Deanna.

“So is it okay for christians to date or should christians court?”

I personally don’t believe in christians dating, but I am a strong advocate of christian courtship because I believe God is a God of purpose and I don’t see any purpose behind dating. In courtship, on the otherhand there is purpose and more of an “alertness” because one realizes that this may be the person that I spend the rest of my life with.

“How do I know if I’m ready to begin courting?”

Ask yourself these questions….
1. Do I know what I want in a future mate?
2. Am I going into this with the intent of marriage one day?
3. Am I mature enough to handle this kind of relationship? (You may want to seek wise counsel on this one.)
4. Am I willing to submit my relationship to my parents or other trusted adult counsel? (We often times become so involved romantically with the person we are interested in that we are blinded by the “danger” signs that others such as our trusted adult counsel can see)

But regardless of if you were or were not able to answer yes, to these questions, I encourage you to seek God and make the most of being single and I promise that you will find fulfillment in life.

is it okay to date a non-christian?

We recommend reading our articles “Dating vs. Courting” and “Is it OK for Teens to Date?” before reading this article!

You know, my approach to Christian living and teaching the Word is one that strives for extreme practicality. I don’t ever want to teach something that sounds too “deep” for normal life application; I desire for people to be able to take what I teach and actually walk it out in their lives and see the results of the Word in a tangible way. I also work really hard to try to view things and present them the way God views them; at least as close as my limited understanding can get to it. From where I am today in my walk with God and what I believe I have learned about Him, I think He extends us so much grace as we stumble through this life. I believe He looks at the intents of our hearts a lot more than our actions. I believe He sees areas of purity in us that others may view as missing the mark. Only He knows us to the core – all that makes us who we are, He knows.

Why do I open with saying this you may wonder? Well, I say this because there are many things that I believe the Bible gives very clear instructions on, but at the same time gives room for “heart intent” and grace for limited understanding and times of personal growth and maturity in the Word. The subject of this article, I believe, falls into this category. So, I am going to try and do my best to explain what I believe to be very clear instructions, but also show how God’s grace can be applied as well. Here we go.

1. No Communion with Unbelievers
Alright. Let’s start by looking at 2 Corinthians 6:14.
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in
common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

The word yoked means to be “joined” together or to be “attached.” When people fellowship or when you have a “communion”, there is some type of common association in which an “exchange” of some sort is happening. When I look this word up in a Bible dictionary, I find a few types of words being used to describe fellowship and communion:

Share, community, association, joint participation…here are some deep ones…intimacy, intercourse (Oooo…)

Based on these words, this scripture is basically asking us, “How can two people that are unequal have a true, intimate relationship?”

Now when I say unequal, I am not saying that one person is better than the other. That’s not what this means. It’s asking, “How can two people who believe differently, have different values, and morals have an effective relationship”? If you have made a decision to live a life according to God’s Word, it’s important that you do your best to put people in your life that have decided the same. If not, you may have a harder time, maybe even impossible time, trying to live a life pleasing to God and one filled with His blessings. You also will open your life up to a boat load of conflicts, arguments, disagreements, and DRAMA. From how to spend your money, how to raise your kids, how to resolve issues…when one person wants to do the Word and the other can care less about doing the Word…you get my drift. The Bible tells us that two people living like this CANNOT do any of the above effectively:

Amos 3:3 (New Living Translation)
Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?

1 Corinthians 6:15 (New Living Translation)
What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an
unbeliever?

So, after reading this, it should be pretty clear what the Word of God instructs in regards to being in a romantic relationship with someone that does not confess Jesus as Lord AND does not desire to live according to the Word. If you were to ask me point blank if this is OK, my answer would have to be straight up, “no.”

2. I Know People That Are Married but Only One Spouse is Saved…What About Them?
There are many, many circumstances where a couple is married and one person is saved and the other person isn’t. I know of some personally and have family members that are in this circumstance. This could have happened for a number of reasons:

1. Neither was saved when they got married, but one became saved after the fact.
2. The saved partner didn’t know any better (regarding what the Word says) at the time they got married.
3. The saved partner really didn’t care that the other person was not saved and married them anyway.

Whatever the reasons are, God in His infinite wisdom has made allowances in His Word for this and has given the saved partner instructions on how to apply the Word:

1 Corinthians 7:12 – 15
12 Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a Christian man
has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. 13 And if a
Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not
leave him. 14 For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to
his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. 15 (But if the husband or wife
who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer
bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.)

God also gives instructions on how a saved spouse can lead an unsaved spouse to Christ:

1 Peter 3:1 – 2
1 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse
to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over
2 by observing your pure and reverent lives.

Even though this scripture is talking to wives, the principle of living a godly life in front of your spouse applies to husbands as well in order for them to lead their unsaved wives to God.

Wow – isn’t this all amazing? In one area of the Word, God is clearly instructing us to not join ourselves in close relationships (like courting and marriage) with unbelievers, but also shows us how to live if we end up in a marriage with someone that does not believe the Word. God is so good to us.

3. What This is NOT Saying
OK, just to make some things clear, I wanted to outline a couple of things that this article and these scriptures are NOT saying:
a. They are not saying that you have a choice to enter into “either” a relationship with a Christian or one with a non-Christian. Yes, ultimately it is our own choice and free will to do what we want to do, but the Word is instructing us on the best way to enter into a relationship, while also extending grace to those that did not enter into a relationship the best way. I strongly, strongly encourage you to just do instruction #1 so you won’t have to apply instruction #2…so much more drama going down the path of #2…just believe me!

b. They are not saying that a relationship will not work out if you don’t follow instruction #1. On the contrary, God wants His goodness in our lives and has done all that He can to ensure we experience His goodness, even in our missteps. Some of you may have parents that are not both saved. Life can still be good – for both them and for you. Either application of the Word explained above will produce God’s goodness for all involved. One path may be a bit more challenging than the other, but good nevertheless.

is dating in the bible?

I will answer this question at the top of this article – NO; as far as I can find, dating is not in the Bible nor are there any examples of dating in the Bible that I am aware of (feel free to prove me wrong – I am very interested in feedback here).

Dating, by definition, is a fairly new concept to our culture. It has evolved over time from a more traditional relationship practice of courtship (to see our definitions of dating and courtship, view our “Dating vs. Courting” article). The act of going out on un-chaperoned, informal, male-female outings did not really begin until somewhere around the early 1900’s; so dating is something pretty new for us, starting with people possibly as young as our grandparents or great grandparents!

Now, as time goes on, new cultural and social practices will continue to be introduced and created. You didn’t see our grandparents using laptops and iPhones when they were growing up. Things will always be changing in this world we live in and social norms will continue to evolve. It is because of this, however, that we should cling to what the Word instructs us regarding all areas of our lives so that we don’t stray too far from God’s original intent for His us. Let me give an example to better explain what I am saying here:

God created music. He created it for our enjoyment and for His for that matter. The ways we listen to and enjoy music, however, has changed since the beginning of mankind. We are living in a world where we can access music from just about anywhere; the internet, our phones, music videos, downloads, etc. Even though the ease or access, distribution, and creation have changed, God’s original intent has not. The impact music has on and in us has not. Even though God desires for us to enjoy it, He also desires to be glorified in and with music. Also, no matter how music evolves, words will always, ALWAYS have great power.

Proverbs 18: 21 (Message Translation)
Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.

So, no matter how technology advances, the words and lyrics we allow ourselves to listen to will always have the power of death and life in them. The wisdom from the Word regarding music will always remain constant:
• Guard our hearts with all diligence, for out of our hearts come the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23)
• Evil communication corrupts good manners. (1 Corinthians 15:33)
• Do not be deceived, God is not mocked. Whatever you sow you will reap. (Galatians 6:7)

And so on and so on. The point is, no matter how society evolves the truths of the Word do not and will always apply to our lives in some shape or form.

The same is true regarding this whole dating thing. You are not going to find dating or examples of dating in the Bible, but you will find models of relationships in there. So, we have to take the more modern day practice of dating and line it up the best we can with the models set in the Bible in order to get back to God’s original intent.

One of the closest examples I see regarding a “courting” relationship is that of Mary and Joseph. Let’s take a look at a couple of things that stand out to me.

Matthew 1:18 (New Living Translation)
This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit.

In the King James version, the word that was used instead of engaged was “espoused.” This word means the following:
1. to woo her and ask her in marriage
2. to be promised in marriage, be betrothed

So, as we see here, the word “espoused” implies that there was some type of relationship between Joseph and Mary before they were married. The Bible doesn’t really go into detail regarding how Joseph and Mary met nor how they came to be engaged, but it does say that Joseph, in some way or fashion, “wooed” Mary in order to win her affections. This is HEALTHY and GODLY. There is nothing wrong with attempting to win over the affections of someone you like. BUT, God designed for this “wooing” to be going on towards the person we are considering for marriage. We are not talking about casual attractions here; you know, liking someone for a month or so and then moving on to someone else that we think is “cute or hot.” No, we are talking about a person we are seriously considering to marry and be a potential parent for our children. Serious stuff here.

Now that we have a Biblical model, we should desire for our own personal life applications to follow suit. How can this example be applied? I believe every ones own personal life experiences will merit different forms of applicability, but here are some considerations:

1. If you are in a relationship now, is it with someone that you can see yourself marrying?
2. If you are in a relationship now, do you find yourself interested in other people?
3. Do you go out on dates with different people only because you think it is fun to do?
4. Are you even ready to be considering marriage? Financially, in maturity, responsibly, spiritually?
5. Is marriage the farthest thing from your mind right now, but you still like going out alone with people you are attracted to, engage in kissing and other forms of affection with those people without desiring any type of serious commitment?

OK, so take your answers to those questions and then look back to the model of Joseph and Mary. If you are not “wooing” as a result of a desire and readiness for marriage, then you probably need to just hold off on serious relationships right now. Just that easy, you are lining yourself up with the Word of God and setting yourself up to receive God’s best in this area of your life. This is the walk of faith. This is how it works. Not rocket science, but the results are out of this world – literally!

There are so many other considerations regarding this subject and Examples welcomes your insights and feed back to this article, but for the sake of time and space, we will stop here for now.

To sum this all up:
1. Dating is a fairly new concept to our culture.
2. There are no Biblical examples of “dating” that I know of.
3. Our desires regarding relationships, regardless of how our society and culture define them, should always strive to be in line with God’s original intent and plan.

Make sure to take a look our articles on “Dating vs. Courting” and “Is it OK for Teens to Date?” for more information on this topic.

is it okay for teens to date?

Ok, Ok…I have to be honest. This is not something that I really like discussing – well, with teens anyway. Sometimes, not with adults too! Why? Well, because I think there are a lot of different opinions out there on this subject. Many of them are not in conflict with the Word, but they may not be in line with what “I” think about the subject. When I began thinking about how to write an article about it, I didn’t want to just talk about what I thought, but wanted to really tap into the mind of God regarding dating period. So, here is what I came up with.

1. Deciding to Do it God’s Way
This article is written from the context of instructing people that have already decided they want to do things God’s way. If you have decided that you want to live for God and desire to line this area of your life up with the Word, then this is for you. If you are not sure if you want to honor God and live for Him, well, I encourage you to read it anyway. It’s good stuff! I just wanted to be clear about the perspective that this information is coming from.

2. Are we Talking About “Dating” or “Courting?”
I think before answering this question, we need to define what we mean by dating? Are we talking about going “out” on a date with someone we are attracted to or are we talking about being in a committed relationship with someone we like? Here is how we at Examples define it:

Dating – Dating is any social activity performed as a pair or even a group with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of agreeing on a time and “date” when a pair can meet and engage in some social activity. A form of romantic courtship between two individuals who may or may not expect marriage.

Courting – Courtship is the traditional dating period before engagement and marriage. During a courtship, a couple dates to get to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement. Usually courtship is a public affair, done in public and with family approval.

So, in a nutshell, a “date” is something that two people that are “courting” take part in as they are deciding on the other person’s suitability for marriage. We are NOT talking about going out on random dates with different people so you can “check them out” or “getcho grove on.” We are specifically talking about intentional time being spent with someone in order to assess them for marriage. That’s it!

NOTE: Now, I won’t go into this in detail in this article, but being “prepared” for marriage is also key in deciding to “court” someone. So, if you have no job, no car, are living with your parents, can’t remember to feed and walk the dog on a regular basis, can’t pull decent grades in school…well, you get the picture. You may need to wait a minute before start thinking about courting…(LOL).

3. What Do Your Parents Say?
You are going to have to follow the lead of your parents on this. What is the standard for your household? Are you allowed to be in a relationship like this? If so, what are the guidelines and boundaries? This should be a very detailed discussion between you and your parents. Some things that you could ask your parents are:

• Do you think I am ready for something like this?
• Are there areas in my life that you see I need to work on in order to be ready?
• What do you think about “so and so?” Do you think they are right for me?
• What are some of the things you have learned from past experiences?
• Should I wait until I am older to begin courting?
• What are some things I should be looking for in a mate/relationship?
• Should my focus/attention be somewhere else for this season of my life?

4. “You Are Not Ready” Red Flags
a. If you are dating someone behind your parents back, then you are NOT ready to be in a relationship. Why? Because you are already violating the Word by showing a lack of honor for the role your parents have in your life.

Ephesians 6:2 – 3 (New Living Translation)
“Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you…”

You are already setting yourself up for things to go badly by sneaking around with whoever it is you’re sneaking around with. A more mature person would be willing to talk to their parents about their desire to be in a relationship with someone and accept the counsel and instructions given to them by their parents REGARDLESS IF THEY AGREE WITH THEIR PARENTS OR NOT! As you begin to earn the trust of your parents AND of God, then you set yourself up for God to bring the right person into your life. You set yourself up for things to go well in this area, and believe me, you really want things to go well.

b. If you are not willing to have your parents and/or other trusted adults watch over and guide your relationship, then you are NOT ready.
Why? Because you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and drama when you don’t allow wise counselors to speak to you regarding something as serious as a courting relationship.

Proverbs 11:4 (Amplified Translation)
Where no wise guidance is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

Relationships are hard enough even when they are done right. We all need to have people in our lives that can help us navigate through them – even adults need wise counselors in their lives to help them. How much more then would a teenager need people that can help guide them in order to keep them safe emotionally, physically, as well as spiritually. If you are not willing to talk to your parents and/or other godly adults on a regular basis regarding your relationship – AND do what they instruct you to do in it – then you are not ready.

c. If you have a past history with sexual promiscuity or behavior, then you very well may NOT be ready.
Listen, let’s not get deep here. If you have a hard time not ending up having sex with someone – even if you didn’t “mean” for it to happen, then you may need to take a break from the relationship scene. Seriously, come on. Why position yourself for failure?

OK, so you may be asking me now, “Will I ever be able to be in a relationship if I have a sexual history?”

Of course you will; that is not what I am saying here. What I am saying is just common sense stuff. Give yourself some time to grow in the Word. Learn as much as you can about how to handle relationships and honor God in them. Learn how to set boundaries in this area. Find people to be accountable to. Just give yourself time to develop more and be strengthened. With God’s leading and timing, AND with the wise counsel from those that are in your life, you will know when the time is right…and it will be good!

There are so many things that I can continue to talk about, but for the sake of losing your interest (I may have lost it already!), I will stop here. I hope some of this information was helpful and useful for all that have read it. Examples just wants to see God’s best in your life, in every area. Give this area over to Him, and believe that He will lead you in the way you should go. He only wants to see good in your life, so trust Him with it…all of it.

are you spending time with God?

This year is going to be a year of “on purpose” efforts with Eddie and I. We are going to be husband and wife to each other “on purpose.” What does that mean? It means that we are going to do whatever it takes to manifest God’s goodness towards each other. The things I know are a blessing to Eddie, I am going to do on purpose. That could be cooking, making sure the house is clean, keeping up with my spending better, etc. Whatever those things are and whatever areas God is nudging me to get better at regarding Eddie, I have made the decision to do it without excuse and with great intention. Same with our children – we are going to be parents “on purpose.” Spending quality time on a regular basis. Teaching and training them. Imparting God’s Word into them, not provoking them to anger, etc. We are going out of our way to make this happen in order to see God’s best in their lives and our lives as well. Other things, like having fun, reading and learning, being organized, being frugal and wise in our spending, etc. All will be done with the intentions of doing it the way we believe God is directing us and to see His goodness in every area.

The same is true with our relationship with God. What does our consecration look like? Are we spending time with God on a regular basis? Are we praying? Are we studying? All of these things have to be done with intent and purpose. They just don’t “happen,” we have to make them happen just like the items on my lengthy list in paragraph one. This is also my question to you – “What does your consecration time look like?” Is it daily, a couple days a week, a couple times a month??? Let’s get real and figure out where we really are with God.

I want to encourage all of you to take time to evaluate this area and make a decision to purposefully spend time with God daily. How this is done can look different for each and everyone of us. Here are some of the things Eddie and I do to spend time with God daily:

1. I am currently reading through the entire Bible going off of a schedule I received from church. It’s about three or four chapters a day. If you want a copy of this schedule, e-mail us here.

 

2. We read books on spiritual/Christian topics and make notes and go over the scripture references in the books by reading them in context in the Bible.

 

3. We watch DVD’s and listen to CD’s of our Pastor (really Pastors – we have two sets!). We also go online and listen to them and take notes. We listen to the same message many times repeatedly (not neccesarily in one day, but we may listen one day and then listen again the next day…and the next…).

 

4. I pray in the shower A LOT. I have my prayer confessions laminated and posted in there and I spend time praying the confessions and praying in the Holy Spirit.

 

5. We listen to the Word on CD while we sleep.

 

6. I journal my prayers to God and pray them while I write.

 

7. We are reading through the book of Proverbs (a book FULL of God’s instructions on wisdom), taking one chapter and reading through it each day for 10 days. We began on January 1st and will read Proverbs Chapter 1 until January 10th. So on January 11th, we will start Proverbs Chapter 2 and continue like that throughout the year. If you want the schedule for this, e-mail us here.

NOTE: WE DO ALL OF THESE IN A DAY – not just throughout the week. These are items we do EACH day.

Some other ideas for you:

• Read the Bible in a translation you understand and is easy to read for you (right now my favorite is the New Living Translation).

 

• Find a good devotional book to go through each day.

 

• Journal “life lessons” that you learned that day and try and locate scripture that support it.

Anyway, these are just some things I wanted to list out for you to either jumpstart you or further you along in your time spent with God. Eddie and I pray that this year you have more of God in your life than ever before!